On December the 27th of 2021, I answered my cell phone to a woman, All I could remember was, Franciscan Hospital, Michigan City, IN. Head nurse, Joshua was in the ICU, possible drug over dose, if I could please come asap!?

I realize maybe more was said!? Next memory I have was this horrible poercing sound. Like a rabbit in a trap. If you’ve ever heard a rabbit howl, you know you can never unhear that. So it was much like that…

The howl grew louder and louder as could finally see through the mist.

That’s when I could see him. Just ahead of me, I was on a floor, howling ungodly sounds. On my knees. Begging. Begging for God to spare him. To take me instead. Bartering his life for my own. Cursing God. Cursing my ex. Cursing my failure to save him.Questioning every choice I made in the short years (36), I ever made as his only parent. Acknowledging to God I always knew I wasn’t worthy of this exquisite creature. . .

Clearly, the answer was no.

There was no investigation. No detective ever contacted any of us on this side.

So I did my own. And in a mere month and a half, I had solved the murder of my child. I had both names involved. Proof via security cameras in apartment complex.

So I collected it all and emailed it on to the head of their city’s drug enforcement, along with a property request. For his phone and anything else they took from the scene belonging to Josh. Nothing. I got absolutely nothing in the form of a reply.

I’ve never felt so alone. But then, I have just a few memories Joshua isn’t a part of. I was a confused 16 year old kid from questionable parent having a baby. So it was forever him and I against the world.

We grew up together for certain. Walked him home to a one bedroom apartment I rented from donated termination money!? Because I wasn’t old enough to drive.

He graduated and went on to college. Landed an amazing department head career at local RV manufacturer. Three children, he adored. Was an amazingly devoted father. Loyal friend. Incredible brother. And stupid funny. LOL. Leg slapping, tears rolling, sides aching funny. Silly faces and a different voice for each character he used to get the mood in a room to lighten or just to get a laugh and keep it laughing. The life of every party. Just fun to be around. He was a super protective son, And when he hit that six figure income, spoiled his momma every chance he got.

An all around nice person. Baptized Christian believer.

Gone. Murdered by poisoning.   Right under his nose.

I find at some point in every day that has past since his poisoning,  I am reminding myself, I’m not going to wake from this. It’s real. It actually happened. This is my new reality…. and I’ve no idea how much longer I can muttle through my time here, having no idea how to be me without him. As the life left him, it took my purpose along with it.

His children are trying to move forward. The youngest just 8, can’t remember him at all. And the older two, sometimes think she’s the lucky one bc they still struggle daily.

His siblings are crushed. Sadly. Their brother is gone, but they lost their mother that day too.

I try. But I understand they long for the momma I was before.

This has to stop. We are facing an entire generation, actually more than just one, we’re losing an entire generation. And all the awareness groups there are, we can’t reach everyone. Not before another 11 minutes passes.

Every 7 minutes someone in this country is being poisoned by illicit fentanyl.  God give us grace. Protect those still with us. And wrap your arms around every parent who lost theirs.